The Chronicles of Gene

I'm sure some of you people out there have talked once or twice in your sleep. Lets face it we all had that friend growing up that would talk in his sleep, and when we would have sleep overs we'd all wait for him to fall asleep and start saying crazy shit. Our friend would sleep walk as well, he was notorious for it, and he would always do off the wall things. Once he accused us of setting him up with the fat girl from across the street, and god was she the fat girl and a mean bitch on top of it... anyways. Another time he jumped straight out of his sleeping bag and headed for my mom's office, the rest of us followed giggling like school girls until we realized he was about to take a piss in my moms filing cabinet. Yes, this would of been funny, but something told me mother would not only cut his wind off but ours also for laughing and letting him unleash the golden flood gates on her files.

As I got older and started sleeping with girls, and I'm not talking about jack hammering them for the best 10 seconds of their lives but actually sleeping, did I find out I too was a sleep talker. Not only am I a sleep talker but I will get up and do shit, usually never leaving the room but none the less. Most of the time when I'm getting up while sleeping I'm freaking right the fuck out.

Now when I say I'm freaking out I mean I'm usually having dreams about snakes crawling on me or snakes all around me, or some scary little creatures scurrying about my bed. Long and the short of it is I'm usually having nightmares. According to what I've been told I'm usually breathing very rapidly and accusing my partner of throwing the snakes at me or trying to flip the bed over. Apparently this is not amusing for the girls, girls they can get bent out of shape over the littlest things, and really it's not my fault they are tormenting me in my dreams.... wait are women evil... that's another story.

When I'm not thrashing about and trying to flip shit over I'm apparently very funny. One night out of no where I yelled at the top of my lungs "mmmmmmmmm Chicken!" and then a few seconds later "mmmmmmmmmmm Chocolate Sauce!", don't ask me why was I dreaming about chicken's and chocolate sauces.... it's my dream leave me alone you judgemental bastard! Just kidding. One night I was trying to get into my girlfriends dresser, why you ask, well I'll tell you "Cause I needed a pair of women's panties", why again you ask and I shall answer you again "Cause they feel good against my balls!". I have for a long time harassed friends and made comments about how women's panties would feel good against the balls, but doesn't mean I'm going to try a pair on. That morning was nice and awkward "Gene... umm is there something you want to tell me", here I'm thinking going "Oh shit I gave her VD ... wait I don't have VD... did she give me VD...", as she asks that pointed little question "Do you cross dress?". I said "No madam I don't!" as I stormed out with my dignity in what can only be described as a lacey number with next to no support for the little father mcfeely and the choir boys.

So those are just a few of the messed up things I do in my sleep and I hope you are able to get a good laugh out of it. Just be glad I don't sleep with you.... but be sad we don't do it because I can always go home afterwards.